i move too slow and i think too fast.

when you think of the end of the school year you think the end of all your mistakes and getting older and having a little more power in the school. how cool it is to be at this grade finally. how quickly its all come. and you think of your friends in the beginning till now and how you are glad for the ones who have stuck by with you and the ones youve lost sometimes you regret for losing but sometimes its for the better.

GRADUATION. thats the BIG event in everyones life. the passing on from school to "real life" leaving mediocre high school and moving on to college/ a job. its when you find out who your life long friends really are. before this big day is senior yea. usually the funnest year. the year where you get a break. when you have the last dances, and you cry over everything. when you get voted for shit like "most likely to succeed" . its the year that you scream your year out like an idiot "ONE OH WE BE HOES" HAHAHAH. SENIOR YEAR is one of the most crucial and memorable years of your high school life. its the BEST.

ha. well im missing it. but im getting all the troubles of it. im already losing my friends. im already feeling the heart break of moving on and im thinking of everything i CANT do now. my mom recently said " come on, be honest, they arent your friends any more, but its okay you have new ones, and they are great..... people move on and you did" i died a little inside when she said that. I MOVED ON... I MOVED ON..... I LEFT THEM. but that wasnt my intention. they have been my friends since the beginning. the first people who could laugh and screech and yell and dance and prance and just be total asses with and not be scared that people are looking at us, the first people to say " no anatalia you really DONT need that toy " the first people who completely were like me. who were little kids in all the ways i was. yes, i felt left out at times. but i still loved them, with all my heart. but its all gone now. i cant go back. i made my bed.

i cried a few nights ago, after coming from a banquet. it was for DRAMA. i had gotten an award... i dont know how to explain it. i was awarded of being a thespian. but first i had to be inducted. and to be inducted i did an improv monologue. i was literally shaking after it. but it was so great. i keep reliving it. i can still hear the laughs from what i was saying. i didnt really look at the faces, i was too nervous, i looked above them. they were a blur. but i can hear their laugh in sync at what i was saying. and i thought " im funny? im funny? BY MYSELF? IM FUNNY BY MYSELF?" i cant fathom people might have liked the words i was spewing from the top of my head. every word was thought a second prior to when i actually said it. and it was good. it astonishes me. but thats over. and any award of the sort, because those are just little fun things for high school kids.

*sigh* ive done this to myself. i stopped caring. i let go of my balloon and let it fly. i watched it fly away. so why am i wondering why its gone? i want so much to go next year but i cant. i cant do any of it. my test is on the 20th. and then im gone. POOF. no more mark keppel anatalia. now its elac anatalia.

goodbye high school, i had many memories. i love you. :[<3

twisted gut. beating heart.

my future is bleak. and black. at this rate there is no way i will become anything.
there is nothing propelling me to move forward. it seems as though im just here. its not even me staying in one spot, its me moving backwards. its me walking over the path i ran to and retracing my steps. what happened to me? where did the girl with spark and life and genuine happiness go? where is the girl who loved to wake up in the morning to see the sun and the moon out at the same time? where is the girl who did her homework? where is the girl who competed and thrived on perfection? where am i? last night i did sit ups. 50 of them. it burned after i finished. but it felt so great. ive been talking about how i want to do that. how i want to be thinner. how i want to be the size 4 or less me again. but im so lazy. ive never been this lazy in my life. so inactive. so much of a blob watching everyone and their accomplishments saying " i used to.... " im so young and yet ive already turned into a has been. ive quit on everything. i need something. i need a hand. i helped my friend with her essay and i remember writing about her motivation about what keeps her going... and i remember writing for her " there seems to be an invisible hand that pushes her towards her goals" or something to that effect. and i want to know where is my hand? where is my push? what is it that is pulling me back. its been years since ive felt accomplished. i LOVE to do things i think i suck at. I LOVE TO DANCE. I LOVE TO EDIT VIDEOS. I LOVE TO WRITE. I LOVE TO ACT. I LOVE TO LOVE. I LOVE TO BE ACTIVE. I LOVE TO SWIM. I LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. I LOVE TO LAUGH. I LOVE TO BE HAPPY. I LOVE. ha. " this is such a pity, we should give our love to each other...." great song.... where am i?

where am i? who am i? is it possible to not know who you are, but know exactly who you are at the same time? is it possible to not know what you want but know exactly what you want? i watched this show HEROES and one of the characters believed he was born to do something great. and i want to believe that i too am born to do something great.. but . idk. " waste my days" thats me . i waste my days. i waste everything.

i talked to my mom recently and was talking about how ive made mistakes. and she looked at me and said what have you done? and i said well ive been bad to the family and she said no. she explained how great i am. but why is that not computing with me. I HATE TO FEEL THIS. what is it that im longing for. im so incomplete and i dont know what it is im waiting for. what do i need? what? what? what? im empty inside and i dont know why. i have nothing to need. i have no reason to feel this. but everyday as i go on, as i walk it hurts. it hurts to breathe. it hurts to live when there is nothing keeping me. im a puppet who lives because thats what im supposed to do. im supposed to be young and care free and yet there is nothing but these strings of fear. where is my epiphany? one day ill look back at this and think i was so stupid. but right now it is the most real thing i have. these feelings are growing stronger and i cant control it. and it is getting increasingly hard to hide those feelings. to hide any feelings

i joke. i become HILARIOUS when im upset. i cant eat when im upset. i cant sleep. i focus on everything i become so routine. i cant find the right word. i live everyday the same. i joke and feed on others people happiness to get me through the day. i never really remember what i ate. and some days i just dont eat anything. i cant sleep. if i sleep ill remember everything bad and i cant do it.

right now. im confused.

an ending with no conclusion

today i had a very serious conversation with one of my best friends. it was through aim, which is where i can have all my serious conversations (not aim in particular but writing, i.e text, message, aim....etc)
ANYWAYS, he and i were talking about our group, our lunch group, and he and i were discussing on maybe...
idk how to put this
okay here ill start over
with my friends
I LOVE THEM!
haha
all my friends i have had since freshman year, the whole table( thats what we call each other "the table" excuse our lack of creativity..) , us we have been friends since freshman year and i love them, they were the first group (large group) of friends ive ever had who i felt i belonged with... but theres always been a sense of not belonging....okay so im being redundant , but the belonging feeling was because they were all crazy, immature,vulgar,stupid and just they were like me, when it came to movies, music, sense of humor, view on life, view on school, EVERYTHING, but see the thing is with every single one of them they each have at least one person from their middle school/elementary  but me, i have no one from my school. which i never minded but this year ive noticed it, because the table didnt become the table till this year, before i was friends with all of them and they were friends with eachother but we werent an exclusive bunch of friends till this summer drew us closer and then as upper classmen took our rightful place at a table and now we are officially one group of friends. and with that ive felt not out casted or left out, well not all the time... but there are a lot of those times where i feel that way. and the friend i was talking to also feels the same for he was a new student in the middle of fresh year and has no one from his former school just like me.  and then i was discussing a group of friends i just got. my foursome
okay 

"ITS KIND OF A FUNNY STORY"

"ITS KIND OF A FUNNY STORY" is the BEST book ive ever read and im only on 122. at first i thought it was dumb because when quotes came up instead of  : "then she replied..." this book would say : "then he was like..." but now i love that! because if i were to write a book i would probably end up doing that out of habit.... ANYWAYS, the reason i LOOOOOOVE it, is because itis everything im feeling..... 

for example :

"NO, JUST THOUGHTS OF WHAT I HAVE TO DO. HOMEWORK. AND IT COMES UP TO MY BRAIN AND I LOOK AT IT AND THINK ' I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT' AND THEN IT CYCLES BACK DOWN AND THE NEXT ONE COMES UP. AND THEN THINGS COME UP LIKE ' YOU SHOULD BE DOING MORE EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES' BECAUSE I SHOULD, I DONT DO NEAR ENOUGH, AND THAT GETS PUSHED DOWN AND ITS REPLACED WITH THE BIG ONE: 'WHAT COLLEGE ARE YOU GOING TO, CRAIG[replace to my name]?' WHICH IS LIKE THE DOOMSDAY QUESTION BECAUSE IM NOT GOING TO GET INTO A GOOD ONE"

thats just one quote, i can quote the whole fucking book and says thats how i feel. its funny because my ex was here today...and i have a BUNCH of shit with that....but he was talking about how he thinks he is bipolar...and all i could think was me too!! i once spent a whole month researching and researching trying to prove that i was bipolar. i lied to him and said my mom thought it of me, but in fact it was me who thought i was bipolar. i sent link after link of the symptoms i had. to this day i think im bipolar or depressed. all i know is there has to be something wrong in my head. I HAVE SOME SORT OF FUCKED UP ISSUE AND NO ONE SEES IT!! or no one says anything, its like everyones become so accustomed to how i am, they think its natural. but no! this cant be it. i always want and need. im never fully satisfied. you can give me an endless amount of money and ill find one way to make it that its not good enough. its not only about school but about life. i never think im good enough for anything. i pull this great charade and let everyone think that i think im perfect, when in fact i hate myself.... i really dont care what people think of me. and i never have, and i know who i am. i know what i want and need. but its like im torn, where theres me, stable, whatever anatalia, and then there is the i hate myslef, just kill me, i dont deserve shit im an idiot..blahblahblah, etc,etc.... maybe thats why i dont try. maybe thats why i fail. ive always anticipated my failure, i just told my ex (i should stop calling him that, he is more than just my ex, he is one of my best friends...just to clarify.) anyways i was telling him how i believe i will get divorced a lot and end up commiting suicide, which i HATE, i think thats the dumbest thing to do, which sounds just like me. i ALWAYS do what i know i shouldnt... not drugs, im not that stupid, but little things..like maybe i should have said no to my friends and gone home and studied .... i always do that. i always do what my head says " no, anatalia, you know better, dont do that, if you do that, you wont get what you need done and youll fail" but i just say fuck it. ha. im soo great... maybe the fact that im so prepared for failure is the reason i dont even try. you know my friends and family tell me im smart...not like a genuis but that im smarter than most but i dont think so. i think im a total idiot. everyones just falling for it. thats another reason i dont try, im so sure that im not as great as the person next to me, that i dont want to try and compare, knowing they tried just as hard if not less and did better. thats soo wrong. i cant expect to be great at everything... yet there i go. i have some songs that i listen to when i feel this way..and right now its the worst waves of self hate ive EVER HAD! 

the song who am i fooling is the song that fits the best.

i put lyrics up...i hope they show....its being wierd....

another song that i kinda relate to is a SAY ANYTHING song 

but its just the chorus when it says:

"and i think too fast and i move too slow"

IM FUCKED UP WITH DEPRESSION AND A BIPOLAR DISORDER....

thats me.

:)

done hating on myself for now, yo!