for example :
"NO, JUST THOUGHTS OF WHAT I HAVE TO DO. HOMEWORK. AND IT COMES UP TO MY BRAIN AND I LOOK AT IT AND THINK ' I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT' AND THEN IT CYCLES BACK DOWN AND THE NEXT ONE COMES UP. AND THEN THINGS COME UP LIKE ' YOU SHOULD BE DOING MORE EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES' BECAUSE I SHOULD, I DONT DO NEAR ENOUGH, AND THAT GETS PUSHED DOWN AND ITS REPLACED WITH THE BIG ONE: 'WHAT COLLEGE ARE YOU GOING TO, CRAIG[replace to my name]?' WHICH IS LIKE THE DOOMSDAY QUESTION BECAUSE IM NOT GOING TO GET INTO A GOOD ONE"
thats just one quote, i can quote the whole fucking book and says thats how i feel. its funny because my ex was here today...and i have a BUNCH of shit with that....but he was talking about how he thinks he is bipolar...and all i could think was me too!! i once spent a whole month researching and researching trying to prove that i was bipolar. i lied to him and said my mom thought it of me, but in fact it was me who thought i was bipolar. i sent link after link of the symptoms i had. to this day i think im bipolar or depressed. all i know is there has to be something wrong in my head. I HAVE SOME SORT OF FUCKED UP ISSUE AND NO ONE SEES IT!! or no one says anything, its like everyones become so accustomed to how i am, they think its natural. but no! this cant be it. i always want and need. im never fully satisfied. you can give me an endless amount of money and ill find one way to make it that its not good enough. its not only about school but about life. i never think im good enough for anything. i pull this great charade and let everyone think that i think im perfect, when in fact i hate myself.... i really dont care what people think of me. and i never have, and i know who i am. i know what i want and need. but its like im torn, where theres me, stable, whatever anatalia, and then there is the i hate myslef, just kill me, i dont deserve shit im an idiot..blahblahblah, etc,etc.... maybe thats why i dont try. maybe thats why i fail. ive always anticipated my failure, i just told my ex (i should stop calling him that, he is more than just my ex, he is one of my best friends...just to clarify.) anyways i was telling him how i believe i will get divorced a lot and end up commiting suicide, which i HATE, i think thats the dumbest thing to do, which sounds just like me. i ALWAYS do what i know i shouldnt... not drugs, im not that stupid, but little things..like maybe i should have said no to my friends and gone home and studied .... i always do that. i always do what my head says " no, anatalia, you know better, dont do that, if you do that, you wont get what you need done and youll fail" but i just say fuck it. ha. im soo great... maybe the fact that im so prepared for failure is the reason i dont even try. you know my friends and family tell me im smart...not like a genuis but that im smarter than most but i dont think so. i think im a total idiot. everyones just falling for it. thats another reason i dont try, im so sure that im not as great as the person next to me, that i dont want to try and compare, knowing they tried just as hard if not less and did better. thats soo wrong. i cant expect to be great at everything... yet there i go. i have some songs that i listen to when i feel this way..and right now its the worst waves of self hate ive EVER HAD!
the song who am i fooling is the song that fits the best.
i put lyrics up...i hope they show....its being wierd....
another song that i kinda relate to is a SAY ANYTHING song
but its just the chorus when it says:
"and i think too fast and i move too slow"
IM FUCKED UP WITH DEPRESSION AND A BIPOLAR DISORDER....
thats me.
:)
done hating on myself for now, yo!
