twisted gut. beating heart.

my future is bleak. and black. at this rate there is no way i will become anything.
there is nothing propelling me to move forward. it seems as though im just here. its not even me staying in one spot, its me moving backwards. its me walking over the path i ran to and retracing my steps. what happened to me? where did the girl with spark and life and genuine happiness go? where is the girl who loved to wake up in the morning to see the sun and the moon out at the same time? where is the girl who did her homework? where is the girl who competed and thrived on perfection? where am i? last night i did sit ups. 50 of them. it burned after i finished. but it felt so great. ive been talking about how i want to do that. how i want to be thinner. how i want to be the size 4 or less me again. but im so lazy. ive never been this lazy in my life. so inactive. so much of a blob watching everyone and their accomplishments saying " i used to.... " im so young and yet ive already turned into a has been. ive quit on everything. i need something. i need a hand. i helped my friend with her essay and i remember writing about her motivation about what keeps her going... and i remember writing for her " there seems to be an invisible hand that pushes her towards her goals" or something to that effect. and i want to know where is my hand? where is my push? what is it that is pulling me back. its been years since ive felt accomplished. i LOVE to do things i think i suck at. I LOVE TO DANCE. I LOVE TO EDIT VIDEOS. I LOVE TO WRITE. I LOVE TO ACT. I LOVE TO LOVE. I LOVE TO BE ACTIVE. I LOVE TO SWIM. I LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. I LOVE TO LAUGH. I LOVE TO BE HAPPY. I LOVE. ha. " this is such a pity, we should give our love to each other...." great song.... where am i?

where am i? who am i? is it possible to not know who you are, but know exactly who you are at the same time? is it possible to not know what you want but know exactly what you want? i watched this show HEROES and one of the characters believed he was born to do something great. and i want to believe that i too am born to do something great.. but . idk. " waste my days" thats me . i waste my days. i waste everything.

i talked to my mom recently and was talking about how ive made mistakes. and she looked at me and said what have you done? and i said well ive been bad to the family and she said no. she explained how great i am. but why is that not computing with me. I HATE TO FEEL THIS. what is it that im longing for. im so incomplete and i dont know what it is im waiting for. what do i need? what? what? what? im empty inside and i dont know why. i have nothing to need. i have no reason to feel this. but everyday as i go on, as i walk it hurts. it hurts to breathe. it hurts to live when there is nothing keeping me. im a puppet who lives because thats what im supposed to do. im supposed to be young and care free and yet there is nothing but these strings of fear. where is my epiphany? one day ill look back at this and think i was so stupid. but right now it is the most real thing i have. these feelings are growing stronger and i cant control it. and it is getting increasingly hard to hide those feelings. to hide any feelings

i joke. i become HILARIOUS when im upset. i cant eat when im upset. i cant sleep. i focus on everything i become so routine. i cant find the right word. i live everyday the same. i joke and feed on others people happiness to get me through the day. i never really remember what i ate. and some days i just dont eat anything. i cant sleep. if i sleep ill remember everything bad and i cant do it.

right now. im confused.